Imposter syndrome
I felt a bit of an imposter applying for Aurora – I had this idea that every other applicant knew exactly what they wanted and what they expected to get out of the programme, whereas I just knew I needed ‘something’. If it hadn’t been for previous National College of Ireland (NCI) Aurora alumni sharing their stories so convincingly, our Aurora champion, Deirdre McCarthy, and my direct line manager, Robert Ward, being so encouraging, I’d probably have decided that I just didn’t really ‘fit the profile’.
From the very first session, I realised I was not alone in experiencing imposter syndrome and felt assured that I fit right in with this diverse group of women: academics and support staff, from higher education institutions across Ireland and the UK. Even as each of us brought unique perspectives to our breakout groups, we recognised shared experiences of the education sector and of the particular challenges women face in any workplace.
Belonging in the higher education sector
So, what was the ‘something’ that I needed? My first ‘real job’ (and all those thereafter for 20 years) was in theatre production. I very much felt part of the arts sector. Change was forced upon me in the aftershocks of the 2008 financial crisis and I briefly worked with a really sound, really good charity, staffed by really lovely people: but I never felt part of the non-profit sector, I always felt like an outsider.
When a job arose in NCI, I so quickly felt at home in the place that it was only after a number of years, as I moved up in responsibility, that I began to wonder if my non-academic, non-education professional path meant I didn’t really belong?
I observed, during Aurora, that different people I met and spoke to got different things out of the programme, which delves into core qualities of leadership. My personal moment of epiphany came on day three when we explored values.
Embracing ambition
I had always thought myself unambitious. I used to wonder if I might even be a self-saboteur at some of the opportunities I rejected over the years. But now I could see that I simply don’t care about the things traditionally associated with success, such as wealth, status and power, but I will strive, be courageous and even take risks to achieve what I really want, which is to be able to exercise my curiosity and creativity in ways that help the wider world, most especially in terms of social justice and equality.
It was cathartic to look back at my career and see myself doggedly pursuing my priorities, even when there were easy access points to more financially rewarding but less satisfying roads. I no longer saw myself as a self-saboteur but as determinedly self-directed and discerning, and most definitely ambitious - just atypically so!
With this new self-knowledge, I could identify a consistent thread of progress through the various jobs I’ve had in different sectors. I now see myself as a communications expert working in the higher education sector, who is happy at NCI because our values align. I am trusted and appreciated, I am constructively challenged and ever-learning, and I truly feel a useful part of the college’s mission ‘to change lives through education’.
The value of mentorship
Another Aurora revelation for me was the impact of formal mentoring. I have had former bosses I referred to as ‘mentor’, because they didn’t just manage me in my work but guided me and shared their wisdom with me. This is NOT the same as someone deliberately agreeing to mentor you.
In sharing their experiences of the programme, the NCI Auora alumni advised two things: firstly, make the time to fully commit to and engage with the programme. Secondly, choose a mentor you felt you could be open with, as well as one whose position might align with your interests.
I asked the president of the college, Professor Gina Quin, to mentor me because I knew she already understood my function in the college, including its overview and representation of all departments and all aspects of the college’s identity and actions, so I wouldn’t have to start by explaining my job.
I asked her because she is a very successful woman, who had persevered in following her values to become President of NCI, moving into education from the business sector.
Sharing respectfulness and ambition
I asked Professor Quin because I am keenly aware of the importance of her time and I knew that, in respecting her and her commitment of a portion of that time to me, I would never go into a mentorship session under-prepared! I also knew I could completely trust her confidentiality.
We used the Aurora Mentor handbook as a guide to set our terms and signed a contract. It’s hard to explain just how much I’ve gotten from this mentorship, and I’m delighted to say Professor Quin has agreed to continue mentoring me even now the programme is over. She has inspired me to look at how I can mentor others.
All told, that ‘something’ I needed? Aurora gave it to me.
Teresa Murray is Head of Communications at National College of Ireland (NCI), where she’s worked for eight years now, having previously held production and marketing roles in the arts and non-profit sectors. She enjoys using her powers for good, supporting NCI’s mission ‘to change lives through education’.